


how to save a life

by megyal



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Community: kakairu_kink, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-22
Updated: 2009-09-22
Packaged: 2017-10-11 10:40:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/111528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>SPOILERS FOR MANGA CHAPTER 423</p><p>Written for <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/kakairu_kink/364.html?thread=24172#t24172">this prompt</a> at <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/kakairu_kink/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/kakairu_kink/"></a><strong>kakairu_kink</strong></p>
    </blockquote>





	how to save a life

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS FOR MANGA CHAPTER 423
> 
> Written for [this prompt](http://community.livejournal.com/kakairu_kink/364.html?thread=24172#t24172) at [](http://community.livejournal.com/kakairu_kink/profile)[](http://community.livejournal.com/kakairu_kink/)**kakairu_kink**

Lightning shattered across a deep darkness; there were faces, sounds, sensations in that darkness, all lit up and broken to pieces by the fierce light.

Then the dark fell once more.

_Again!_ a distant voice cried, that of a desperate young woman. _Try it again!_

The lightning hurtled against the complete blackness but couldn't banish it. The darkness was a physical thing now, warm and embracing.

Then, the lightning crackled one final time, powerfully desperate as it flung itself against the darkness, which shuddered and slipped away.

Iruka opened his eyes and entered the world of the living. It was a world of pain.

*

He could hear Sakura weeping quietly even as her chakra flowed out of her hands and into Iruka's battered body, healing the broken ribs and arms. She discovered his damaged kidneys, and while her crying became almost soundless, tears still streamed down her face. It must have been traumatic, he thought distantly, to watch him take the attacks meant for her. Their cover had been completely blown on this mission and Kakashi hadn't been able to make it to their location in time. At least Iruka had managed to take out a few of the enemy-nin, before the rest had swarmed over him.

Sakura wiped at her tears, the movement an almost angry one as if she was upset with herself. She sat back on her heels and regarded Iruka with a tired smile.

"We nearly lost you, Iruka-sensei," she said thickly and her eyes grew angry and sad as she stared at him. "Why didn't you let me help you?!"

"More important," Iruka whispered through a throat full of fire.

"What?"

"You ...medi-nin. More. Important."

Sakura shook her head, apparently at a complete loss for words. There was a small sound to one side and Iruka rolled his eyes, the only parts of his body that weren't numb or screaming in pain, and saw Kakashi leaning against the trunk of a tree, scanning their surroundings slowly. He seemed to be ignoring them completely. When Iruka had been brought back to life, the first person he had seen was Kakashi kneeling next to him, his vest and undershirt torn to shreds, part of his mask ripped from his face. Iruka had seen the corner of his mouth and had pondered over that grim edge. One of Kakashi's hands had been full of dazzling light, blue-white chakra dancing in his palm.

Sakura, now tracking Iruka's glance, smiled briefly at Kakashi's relaxed stance. "He used his lightning to jump-start your heart again," she told Iruka. "I couldn't revive you, and that's the only thing that I could think of."

"Oh," Iruka said, not saying the word aloud, just moving his mouth into the shape. _He saved my life_, Iruka thought and Sakura seemed to pluck this right out of his mind.

"He saved your life," she murmured and then laughed, sounding like an insane old woman. "Thank goodness! I... I don't know what we would have told Naruto."

_Just tell him I'm dead_, Iruka thought and slipped off into an unconsciousness so sudden that it seemed that his eyes were still open, fixed on Kakashi.

*

Iruka began dividing his life into two separate epochs: _Before I Died_ and _After I Died_.

B.I.D had been filled with easy laughter, the satisfaction of teaching children, the enjoyment of camaraderie, the pleasure of serving his village with the best of his ability. B.I.D had been colour and song and smell and taste and feel. It had been Iruka at his finest, at his best.

A.I.D... this was Iruka as a dead man walking. He felt that the lightning that had jolted him to life had shattered him into many pieces and he had actually left the best of himself out there in enemy territory, probably wandering like a ghost under unknown trees and through unknowable shadows. Or, more likely, it was Iruka that was the missing piece, separated from the part of himself that woke up every day with determination to live and laugh and love.

Everything was doused in a muted grey. It was an almost insurmountable task to just get up out of bed in the mornings. The children, sensitive to the changes to their lively sensei, were unnaturally subdued.

Iruka couldn't bring himself to care.

He slept with Anko one night, thinking that this would shake him up; Anko, with her bright, sharp eyes and teeth. She bit and yowled and laughed when she came, and... it wasn't enough.

Nothing would ever be enough. Iruka had died and was still dying. Every single day.

*

"Naruto sent me to talk to you," Kakashi said in a very reluctant voice, as if he would rather be anywhere than standing in front of the dango shop with Iruka. Iruka gave him a dull glance.

"Did he?"

"Yes. He says you're... different. That you came back different."

"Naruto has an overactive imagination." Iruka inclined his head to the shopkeeper and walked away, but he didn't get very far. One of Kakashi's hands gripped his shoulder almost painfully and he was dragged into a nearby alley.

"It smells awful in here," Iruka noted in a flat voice after he was pushed against a wall. "If you wanted to tell me something, Kakashi-sensei, then you could have done so at school."

"Shut up," Kakashi snapped harshly and pulled up his fore-head protector; surprised, Iruka complied, feeling the red glow of the Sharingan warming his skin. Warm... it was warm. He nearly raised his hands to catch some of that heat against his perpetually cool palms.

Kakashi studied him very carefully, disregarding the way Iruka was staring back at him. Finally, he covered the Sharingan and stepped away. A biting disappointment flooded Iruka at this action, so intense that he had to breathe deeply just to gain some level of control over it. He... he hadn't felt like this in _weeks_.

"Your chakra seems normal," Kakashi said clinically, like a medi-nin outlining the status of a patient. "There's no sign of tampering or disguise. You're _you_ and you're fine."

"No," Iruka blurted out and Kakashi's visible eye widened just a little bit. "I'm _far_ from fine, Kakashi-sensei. So far from fucking _fine_, you have no idea."

If Kakashi was shocked at Iruka's cursing, a habit Iruka tried very hard not to pick up (but failed sometimes, he was a shinobi-teacher, not perfect), he gave no sign. He simply stood there and said, "Continue, sensei."

Iruka was shaking his head, refusing to share anymore, but words were flowing from his mouth, unbidden: "You and your Sharingan, but you can't see everything. I'm dead, Kakashi-sensei. Why did you bring me back?!" He clenched his fist. "Why didn't you just fucking _leave me to die_?!"

"Sakura had a problem with that--"

"I was ready to leave, I don't really have anything here, Naruto doesn't need me anymore, there are other sensei for the Academy--"

"I had a problem with it, too," Kakashi cut in sharply. Iruka snapped his mouth shut, breathing hard and staring at Kakashi's stony expression; it softened as Kakashi gazed at him. "I didn't want you to die."

"Why bring me back," Iruka asked plaintively, "if you're not going to give me something to live for?"

"Iruka. I--"

Iruka turned and walked out of the alley.

*

Four days later, he knocked politely on Hatake Kakashi's door. It was opened, of course, by a dog.

"Who are you?" the dog asked pointedly. It wasn't Pakkun, which meant that it wasn't as rude, but still.

"Never mind who he is," Kakashi called from inside the apartment. "You let him in, Guruko."

The dog, Guruko, grudgingly let Iruka pass, watching him with cat-like suspicion as Iruka removed his shoes and walked inside the living room, stopping short beside a bare dining table. Kakashi was lying in low, narrow couch, dressed in a sleeveless shirt and loose pants, as if he was just reading a little before going to bed. A dark-blue handkerchief was tied over the bottom-half of his face and an open orange book was lying face-down on his chest.

"I thought the rest of your dogs would be in here," Iruka said, leaning awkwardly against one of the chairs. Kakashi sat up and shrugged, rubbing Guruko's head roughly after the dog ambled over to press against his legs.

"This apartment is too small to accommodate all of the dogs at once."

"But today is my day," Guruko barked, sounding smug. "All of us get our very own Kakashi-day."

"Right!" Kakashi rubbed his back this time. "Every dog has his day. That way you all don't get jealous and fight and go crazy, right, Guruko? Right?" He was talking in an oddly cute voice, the way a parent would talk to their plump, cheerful baby and Iruka's face felt odd; he realized he was smiling slightly. It seemed a little incongruous that the Copy-nin would use a voice like that, but Iruka had always heard that he was one strange jounin. Besides, Guruko didn't seem to mind. In fact, he had his mouth open in a doggie grin, panting happily.

"I wonder," Iruka ventured after a few moments of watching Kakashi lavish attention on the dog, "if I might be able to get a Kakashi-day, too."

"No," Guruko growled instantly. "It's my day today!"

"I'll give you another one tomorrow, Guruko," Kakashi said very evenly, but his eye was fixed on Iruka's face. "Promise."

Grumbling, Guruko glared at Iruka, and then disappeared in a poof of thick smoke. Kakashi got up and went past Iruka, going to wash his hands in the bathroom. Then he came back and put his arms around Iruka, quite suddenly.

It was a very awkward hug. Kakashi obviously wasn't used to hugging anyone, although he seemed determined to give it a try and Iruka was kind of frazzled to the point where all he could do for a few moments was just stand there with his arms at his sides. Then, he moved his own arms, wrapping them around Kakashi's waist and tucking his face into Kakashi's neck.

He smelled like soap and clean clothes and a little bit like dog, Iruka realized, and then felt the wetness on his cheeks. He was crying. Kakashi pulled him closer, and he felt so warm, so _here_, that Iruka just clung to him with desperation. He was breaking down, he knew that, but there was something about it that felt beautiful and peaceful.

"I died once, too," Kakashi told him in a low murmur. Iruka nodded, fighting to control himself. "I died and... I saw my father. It was wonderful."

"I saw nothing," Iruka muttered, trying to wipe his tears away. "Wait... I saw you, once. In the lightning. Never mind," he sighed at Kakashi's slight frown. "Never mind."

Kakashi cupped his face in both hands, looking into his eyes. "When I saw you lying there on the ground," he said slowly, "It was... frightening to me."

Iruka blinked at him in disbelief.

"What?"

"It was like everything good I know was going to be lost." Kakashi shrugged. "I didn't want that to happen."

"Everything good I had _is_ gone," Iruka said. "I don't know if I want to be here anymore."

Kakashi moved his hands down from Iruka's jaw, sliding gently past his neck to rest flat against his chest. Iruka could feel the warmth of his hands as if electricity was building up in them, ready to jolt him back to life again.

"Stay," he commanded, and he sounded so much like the _Kakashi-taichou_ that had led Iruka and Sakura into enemy territory and had carried a battered Iruka back home to Konoha. He had saved Iruka.

Maybe... maybe he could save him again.

*

The children were noisy once more, Iruka realized as he threw the blackboard eraser at one of the boys, satisfied when the student yelped and sat down quickly.

"Pay attention or I'll throw the whole board next time," Iruka threatened.

"Yes, sensei," the boy said, but there was such a relieved smile on his face.

Iruka smiled back.

*

Iruka added another epoch: _After I Came Back To Life_.

Kakashi learned to hug better and Iruka learned to laugh again. He wasn't laughing, however, when Kakashi kissed him for the first time. He inhaled deeply as Kakashi's lips moved over his and he felt his heart reach out and find the ghost lost in the forest.

"Stay," Kakashi said against his mouth.  
`  
This time, Iruka said, "Yes."


End file.
